Colleen - A nightmare of Casmir

 Sept 30 2023

A dream from Colleen's perspective.

We dreamed we were with Cash but we were both mixed in with some group of people. They felt like... it's really hard to explain, like they were Cash's people, but I wouldn't say "friends" or "alters", just like person-shaped creatures that belonged to them. 

We kept trying to talk to them alone about something but these people kept getting in the way.  By getting in the way, it was like... stealing Cash's attention, or physically getting in our way.  Or staring at us accusatorily.

At some point Colleen got so frustrated being blocked by these strange people that she managed to spear through and grab Cash by the shoulders. She shook Cash fiercely and said something which none of us remember anymore, but it had a very urgent tone.  It was a combination of emotions, something between "This is dangerous and you need to leave with me right now," blended with, "Why won't you just be honest and open with me?"

Then one of those people next to them bit us.

It wasn't good, it was extremely painful, and the pain lasted quite a long time - like it wasn't just a bite, but we could distinctly feel this thing chewing through our flesh. It bit us in the ass and then gnawed until it hit our hipbone.  I remember screaming until my throat was raw for it to get off of me, but Cash only watched, protected by the specters.

Then, I was chased by that one feral person until we couldn't see Cash anymore. Eventually I tore myself away and ran for a long time. I passed through a blur of dark forest until I reached a sheer, 90 degree cliff.  When I looked down, the crashing waters were extremely cerulean blue.

I felt exhilarated.  I knew what I wanted and what I had to do.  I threw myself off that cliff and plunged into the icy water.  I even, when sinking, forced myself to breathe, felt saltwater flood my lungs.  I was determined to drown... and I did.

Disappointing others

Sept 13 2023

It was Colleen's nightmare. Soph is writing now but the dream was disorienting. 

We dreamed it was the last day of school. A mixture of middle and high school. We were wandering around the grounds of this school that looked like an amalgam of ours and had quite a bit of wild fun. I dreamed we sang acapella with a group of friends, almost singing something to completion. Two songs in a row, though the songs escape me now. It had been exhilarating to hear everyone's layered melodies and harmonies, so in tune and so full. I can feel the vibration in my throat of belting out a good song. 

Simon was there too, laughing and singing and snacking from the table. After we sang, though, the dream shifted. The room rotated like a ship overturned. I grasped Simon's hand and instead of panicking like the other students, he and I looked at each other and laid against the wall anticipating what's next. Sea water rushed in. I told him to breathe and swim towards the door. We did it quickly, but I could tell the sea water rose so high in the other room that he'd lose breath. So I used my lungs properly, huge air capacity propelling us forward. I grabbed him by the collar and swam for our lives. Just before we would suffocate, we broke through, gasping for air and pulling ourselves to a grassy shore of the field outside said school. 

After that we wandered around the grounds again.

We arrived back at a main building and there were dwindling groups of friends. One group was in a classroom and someone who looked and sounded quite nonbinary was excitedly going on about this group activity they want to do together. They pointed out something they hung on a wall that looked vaguely like the light catcher we have, the thin lotus one. As they were talking about being delicate and precise and needing everyone to be careful with this activity - some sort of stained glass creating - for some reason, I reached out for one of the hangers. Maybe it was blank impulse or maybe it was curiosity. But the whole thing fell down, bending one of the thin metal frames.

Everyone around me was stunned. So was I.  I think we intended to just look at one piece to decide how to proceed, not knock the whole thing over. The organizer stated at us in disbelief, tears welling in their eyes. They babbled something and left the room while we seized with anxiety at ruining someone else's hard work. This was where Colleen switched in. 

I'm writing on her behalf but just know we felt these emotions deep in our body. 

Colleen stared at her own hand and then at the fallen ornaments.  She said out loud, "I don't know why I did that.  I don't even know why I touched the thing, it was out of my control.  I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean to interrupt you or ruin this... I..."

The organizer looked at us, stricken.  Colleen said, "I'm freezing. I can't move.  I'm sorry."

They stared at us for a few seconds before running out of the room, tears streaming down their face.  We felt the weight of all the people staring at us, some in surprise, some in apprehension, some in disdain.  The words died in her throat.  In a burst of panic, Colleen left me 

She took us to another room, one that we recognized as our main classroom.  Somehow the islands of desks had been transformed into beautiful floral dioramas, moss and stone and tropical flowers blooming with mist machines.  The teacher had changed our classroom to this display just to get interest generated.  We saw people we remembered from childhood - Kelvin, Kelly Zhou, some other girls who flit by.  

Colleen sat down and confessed what she did to a group nearby that we knew.  I don't know why we did that.  Colleen was so confused and frozen she babbled.  And at first, the group around us looked sympathetic.  They understood why she was frazzled and her guilt and regret.  But then the group from the other room began to trickle in, eyeing us warily, whispering.  The faces of the people around us began to change.  It felt suffocating, like we were having our chest tightly gripped and squeezed.

Colleen tried to undo the suffocation by singing.  She howled something primal, a song that was wild and loud and full of... despair?  It felt so familiar.  Felt so raw.

Then we woke up.

We spent some time in front just self-cuddling in bed, just breathing.  Sophia went to where Colleen is sleeping right now - a part of headspace that we haven't visited in a long time, the cavern bedroom.  It's Colleen's nest, this beating heart of the mansion and beating heart of demonside.