Mall in Canada.
Meeting Cašmir, who I excitedly hugged and dream started to roulette switch. We were having a mall date together and I was her host for the trip so I was enthused.
The racist vendor with the middle of the mall stall selling hats and scarves etc who wouldn't serve her. Cašmir remarking, "Yeah, that woman wouldn't even look me in the eyes even as I called for her." I felt shock and anger even as Cash shrugged.
Objects like a sun hat and a poncho turning into violins on the shelf as we examined them and put them away. I took Cash by the hand but we switched, me to Leen, her to Ava. There was a long soft look shared as Leen palmed Ava's cheek sympathetically, and Ava muttered something about prejudice happening every so often. Heart squeezed.
We made a loop around the mall, separated by crowd somehow. I tried to call her but our phones had low reception. Anxiously wandered into a store. Switched to Cerise because POV froze in the store corner fretting, and I heard her whimper, "Mami..." remembering the rule of being a kid needing to stay put if lost so parents can come find her.
The store had a mosaic in blues and teals and grays, like old ICON colours, in a box backlit with light. Suddenly some of the squares shattered spontaneously and we got a tutorial from a guy fixing it about how each mosaic tile is actually tubes stacked together like piles of firewood bundled by their metal square frames, not melted panes. POV flew to back of mosaic where these tense fibre-optic-looking sticks were shifting out of shape from heat and pressure, then popping out and causing shatter.
Went on a roller coaster ride inside this store for some reason, some sort of factory inside manufacturing swirling pools of colourful melted stuff? It may have been the mosaic materials, I realized. Might have been plastic and not glass, hence the stacking for crackle effect. Mind rationalized as the roller coaster (not an extreme one, just a track that took us through) dropped me back down to the store where the mosaic had been cleaned up and disappeared.
Still couldn't find Cash. Anxiety spiking, called her. She was equally anxious not knowing where she was so I told her to stay put and went diligently looking for her.
Exited to a suburban home somehow. Asian man and his little girl outside playing in the grassy back yard. I walked through the house which was decadent with marble floors. Somehow ended outside. I was looking for the duo but kept missing them. Disappointed I went back into the house and then headed back to the mall side.
I was looking for Cašmir while ignoring a sense of dread about losing her in the crowd. Got a text message from Eden that they got their bearings, asking if we could meet at x store nearby. Feeling relieved.
I arrived at with Rob and Sol from Grace and Frankie. They morphed into two men I don't know from real life, but one was my husband (not Simon, just a role) and the other was his friend. I was having some sort of argument with my husband and feeling depressed. The store we were in was under construction, like a dentists waiting room where it was bare bones. Broken chairs and tables on concrete in a small narrow space. I dragged the chairs and tables trying to make something comfortable for us to sit on as I waited for Cash. As I turned around I caught the two men kissing.
I blankly remarked to my husband, likely referring to the Fight we had, "Are we even now?"
They looked at each other guiltily and told me no. Today they were going to tell me he's leaving me for his friend. I feel a hollow devastation.
Cašmir arrives to me weeping and the men standing guiltily. She asks what's wrong, confused and alarmed.
I told her, "I'll come with you."
I think briefly of my family and connections here and realize it doesn't matter. All I wanted to do was fly and live with Cash in Virginia. She froze. I could hear her thoughts briefly about her siblings and mother and her sharp worry that she couldn't take care of me because she had to take care of everyone else. I start off touching her arm saying, "don't worry, you know I'm capable of taking care of myself and of others."
But there's a pause as we switch again. Not sure who. Just felt like me but very, very depressed. I uttered, "No. I don't want to be there," but at her confused look I struggled to articulate, "I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I want to disappear. I want to die."
Cash flinched and hugged me.
The dream ended.
